Battle of the Bulge: What I'm Learning Now

Oh the bulge...THE BULGE MAN!

I know that I wrote before about this year's New Year's command that this weight get thee behind me in the name of Jesus New Year's resolution to lose weight. If you haven't checked out my post on resolutions you should - it's inspired me a couple of times to keep going with all of the ones I set this year.

 I've learned that making PERMANENT CHANGE is really, really, really, truly, hard work.

So I wanted something where I could learn proper portion control and just get some better habits established. Enter the MyFitFoods 21 Day Challenge. MyFitFoods is a chain started in Houston that is like healthy fast food on the go. They carry meals that are not only portion-controlled, but that are combined to give you a meal that is relatively low on the glycemic index.

I am at the start of Day 17 and it has been...well challenging. For the last 17 days I've eaten 5 small meals from MyFitFoods everyday, with one "cheat meal" allowance each week. I pick up my new foods on Mondays and Thursdays. The convenience of the program is awesome - it's like having a personal chef for a month! The staff at my location are super-friendly. More importantly most of the food is delicious and I've got lots of cool ideas for how to make even more healthy meals at home. I thought the small portions would kill me at first, but that whole deal about eating smaller meals more frequently is #thetruth. I rarely feel hungry...really only late at night because I opted out of the 8 PM snack cause...well ain't nobody got money time for that! I lost 4 lbs in the first 2 days...which was most likely water weight but...yea it's still gone so booyow! I haven't weighed myself since, but I know my clothes are fitting much looser and more and more people are beginning to notice that I've lost a bit. I have more energy and I haven't felt that racing heart, blood sugar spike not once.

But the challenge...and more importantly the lesson in the challenge. I needed to eat this way to see a few things about my lifestyle and the decisions I've made in the past and the present. What I thought was a proper portion...is just not. I was eating way too much...mostly because the food tasted way too good. And the hardest lesson is that sometimes I just have to say, "No."

Yea. Like D.A.R.E. only this is F.A.R.E. The Food Abuse Resistance Education program.

My self-control and will have been put to the test at least 6 times that I can think of in the last 2+ weeks. I've been in situations where my friends and co-workers are eating some of my favorite foods and I just have to say no....and in one instance I had to just leave. In other cases I've just had to say no to own dang on self and that nagging craving for...well chocolate everything! I've been trying to overcome unnecessary, usually emotional eating for years, but I never knew what saying no to food would sound like coming out of my mouth. What it would feel like...I mean how would I stop the drool from falling while my friends enjoyed a plate of cheesy fries? You may laugh. #thestruggle is real.

Now that I've done it successfully a few times (and by successfully I mean there was no running off and binge eating alone afterwards) I know that yes, my taste buds will react. Yes my stomach has been conditioned to growl at those freshly baked cookies. But, I have goals to reach and therefore I do have the power to control what goes in my body.

Last night, after an exhilarating event my friends/co-organizers wanted to go out for food afterwards. I was still riding on the spiritual high of the event and wanted to be in the mix, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to avoid the temptation. It literally feels like I'm going through some sort of withdrawals when I'm sitting in front of a plate of fries these days lol. One of my friends suggested I just "cut back a little and enjoy the foods I like." It's just not that simple for my body...it's not that simple for many people's bodies. In fact I envy the people who are like "Oh I just started looking at glasses of water and I started losing weight." Ugh, chile please. And at this point in my journey, I don't think it's okay to just randomly indulge...I know what that leads to for me and it. ain't. pretty. So last night I made the decision to go home and not put my will to the test...and it was a very hard decision, but after talking to my sister I realized I can't expect other people to make the decision for me. Other people, especially my friends who don't have the same issues with food or weight...they don't get it and while I can try to explain it...they don't have to get it. I have to get it. I have to decide when it is time to compromise, sit and fight an urge, or when to just leave. And I have to be okay with whatever decision I make.

That revelation stung, in fact I'm still grappling with what all of this looks like in the long term. Will I eventually make these decisions as easily as I would have made the decision to stuff 6 of those donuts down my throat? Probably. Will I need to seek out some like-minded folks who have similar goals? Maybe. But those are questions that will only be answered in time. In the meantime I'm feeling renewed...and dare I say freed. Self-discipline is clearly not developed through just thoughts...faith without works is dead boo...it is developed through taking an action that is sometimes contradictory to what you really want to do, and then repeating that action until you get it in your muscle memory and it becomes what you really want to do.

I'm off to go try to put this into practice in other areas of my life too! I hope this hits home for somebody, anybody, everybody (SCREAM!) :-)

Must'a Forgot

I am still on a Resurrection Weekend high! Now when I first started this blog, I intended it to be more of just, "Hey look I'm discovering all these really cool things about me and the world around me and I want to share" but more and more that's turning into, "Hey look what Jesus showed me about me and the world around me and about what He wants to share with us!" Never thought this would be me, but here I am.

So anyway, back to that Resurrection high. I've read the story of the Resurrection hundreds of times..okay that may be an exaggeration...but I've read it a lot and this time it was like I read it with fresh eyes and in turn I gained some fresh perspective on where I am in my journey to bliss.

One of my New Year's resolutions was to lose the weight I've been carrying around for the last few years. I set up some mini-goals for myself along the way which originally included:

 Complete Yoga X without stopping by March 31*

 Re-start a running program by Daylight Savings Time

 Track meals 5/7 days of the week

 Food journal on good and “bad” food days to get to the root of emotional eating

 Report weight loss and gain to TDS Team*

7 PM is reserved for workouts during the week except for Tuesday and Wednesday*

 Rewards for every 5 lb weight loss

I've put an asterisk next to each goal that I need to rethink. That's more for me than for you, so I digress. Anywho. While I have lost an amount that shall remain undisclosed at this time, I have not been losing at a rate that I'd like and that occasionally gets discouraging. Okay more than occasionally. Maybe more than discouraging. When you factor in visits from friends and family, late night snack attacks with the girls, and the occasional PMS craving for a whole cake from The Chocolate Bar (which I have yet to give into...only by the grace of God lol)...I have spent several of the past few weeks in tears because making PERMANENT CHANGE happen is hard. Really hard.

I find myself boo-hooing, and woe-is-me-ing, and dangerously close to upending my other resolution to be kinder to myself this year. On those days when I am scraping at the bottom of my resolve, I so easily forget that I have promise. A promise that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. A promise that all will be well in my body as it is in my my soul. A promise to myself to feed and care for my body as Christ does the body of believers (the church). Yea that's powerful stuff, but I forget sometimes. And I revert to crying over what looks like a lost dream. I bet the disciples thought their dreams had been lost that day when Jesus took His last breath on the cross...

See Jesus told His disciples that He would be killed and be buried, but He also promised them He would rise three days later. This weekend I heard the pastor of The429 here in Houston preach that he would have been posted up outside the tomb waiting for Jesus to get up with a countdown and everything. I'd like to think I'd be there too. I'd like to think that after watching Jesus perform miracle after miracle after miracle that if He said He'd get up from the grave, I'd believe and be ready and waiting with a "Haha I told you my He'd do it." But like the disciples, sometimes I waver.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own emotions over what looks like a dead dream or a dead future that I forget what God has promised me. Just like He promised to rise from the grave, He promises to raise us into new life as well. All He really asks us to do is to believe.

With that in mind I know I've got to keep working at what I want for my mind, body, and spirit to the best of my ability, but I've also got to keep believing in what I've been promised. That's what faith's all about ya know?

Lady in waiting: How I finally learned to love my singleness

http://albfit.tumblr.com/post/20965105295/learning-to-love-the-process-is-so-important-for

This is just a straight up excerpt from my journal that I happened to share with a couple of friends...I think it's powerful for those of us who are learning to truly love ourselves as we learn to love God...as we learn to love "The One" who hasn't shown up yet :-) and particularly those of us who have chosen celibacy while we "wait." 

...I talked about how it is so much easier to be intimate with a man than with God because we can see and feel the man. To have true intimacy with God takes more faith and trust than to have it with a man. That was the first aha, which led to the second. The second is what put me on an all day high.

For a while I've been saying (probably because I heard it somewhere) that we have to get our relationship with the Lord right first before we can love anyone else properly, particularly in a romantic relationship. I remember once, a friend asked me what that would look like -  to learn how to love from God – I couldn't really answer her at the time, but I knew the idea was right and I knew the Holy Spirit would show me when I was ready.

Today while I prayed about this revelation, He deepened my understanding of what He wants and what I want. He wants me (us) to know Him on a level that is so special we can't ever experience it with anyone else and that we can barely describe to anyone. Some women talk about having made love to the Holy Spirit. I don’t know about all that, but I do know there are times when I pray that I feel so completely submerged in His presence that it is dizzying. In those moments I feel Him drawing me closer, but my level of faith and trust has not yet allowed me to go all the way where I know 

But anyway He wants us to have those experiences with Him – and not always the dizzying ones, but the ones where we know His love deeply - so that we have a reference point for true intimacy. It is a point where we know Him at such a level that is special to our individual relationship with Him. Once we've been able to experience Him fully, we are in a place where we are safe to fully experience intimacy with other people, especially physical intimacy with a man. We can now have those experiences without harm because we are so deep into Him that we know how to experience intimacy with someone else and not lose ourselves or lose sight of Him. 

Too often I went chasing sex looking for intimacy because I didn't know how to get what I really wanted. Half the time I didn't even know or want to admit that intimacy was what I really wanted. What I did know was that I was left feeling empty too often from those experiences. 

I believe God wants to show me (us) how to get intimacy with Him - and when I get it I know I'll never have to seek it from random hookups or even just attention from a man again. He has so much more to show us! He really does want to be our first love, our first husband. As I prayed over this revelation this morning I was brought to tears over how much He loves me and how much more closely He wants to get to me, how much more He wants to show me of Himself and of His love, how much more He wants to show me about who I am as a person and as a woman and eventually as a wife. But He wants it all with me first so I won’t ever walk away – He is a jealous God after all ;-)

The more I prayed this morning the more excited I became about being taken to these new heights with the Lord. I found myself more excited about experiencing Him than about ever getting married mostly because I've begun to really see the holes in my character that He needs to fill. No man can fill those gaps – trust me I tried to let the last one fill them and when he couldn't I left feeling hurt and nearly betrayed by love.  I don’t want to come to my husband without having laid those gaps before the throne. 

You know, this year is the first year I've actually noticed trees budding and awakening in Spring in Houston? I had a moment while I was walking at Memorial Park and then another while I prayed this morning where my eyes “just happened” to fall on a budding tree. The whole time I've been here I've been completely oblivious to any signs of Spring – and it’s my favorite season! But God! He  is allowing me to see and He is drawing these parallels with me and nature. It’s like He’s saying, "yes I tore you down last year, but I am allowing you to bloom this year."

I’m not all the way there, but He’s working in me and it is a wonderful feeling to know it – to be irrevocably certain that He is in control and that He wants only good for me. It's like He's walking me around creation with fresh eyes - so I see my own awakening and blooming with fresh eyes! He is just...wow! Awesome! I’m sure that temptation will come my way. I mean – I was just checking out some firemen who showed up to one of my campuses (thanks for pulling the fire alarm whoever you are kid!) But there is a difference in that and the total yearning that I've felt for a relationship previously. I am special and the relationship He has for me is so special and will be so awesome that He wants me right and tight spiritually before I walk into it. Whew my God loves me!

Spring Fever

So it's February - and Spring is in the air! In Houston, I suppose this is perfectly acceptable. Growing up in Ohio the first signs of spring were like a relief that winter would not actually last forever as I was often convinced it would.

For the past 4 years I've been utterly convinced there is no such thing as Spring in Houston, but this year is different. This year everywhere I turn I see trees and bushes in bloom - I am literally seeing this season for the first time in my city. I am sure it has been there all along, but this version of me has not.

This year, God is very clearly drawing these parallels for me between my own rebuilding/reawakening and the awakening of nature in springtime. It's like He's walking me around creation with fresh eyes so that I can see my own awakening and blooming with fresh eyes. He is so good to me :-)

There is so much more brewing up in me to share, but I'll save that for later this weekend. In the meantime, I did eek out a poem...it is a rough draft and probably not fit for publication on the Interwebs, but then again who cares? Maybe I'll revise someday - until then - HAPPY READING!

When I laid the tree branches bare

Under the meekness of a Sunbelt winter

There was a message for you there

Daughter my promises of restoration were

Never to be lost on you

At times I wished you could remember this

Just the way I whispered into you

Before you were formed in your mother’s womb

I foreknew you

Understood you

Watched you as you built up a house of cards

Watched it shake

With each blow of rejection, of objection

To the identity I had called you to

It was only a matter of time before

I laid your own house bare like the trees

Tore down the self-misconceptions like leaves

But there is always spring.

Remember how you loved to watch

Buds push forth their first blooms

Under the watchful patient eye of Midwest sun

Remember how you longed to

Chase down the first days

Of sun, and green, and bloom

How you swore up to my ears

There was no spring here under the scorch

Of Texas sun

But there was

There is

And this spring I will show you every

Bud, blossom, and bloom

If only to remind you

You are being renewed.

I love you

Won’t you let me show you your Spring?

The Blissful Simplicity of "Thank You"

Last night I ventured out to my first slam of 2013 (shout out to my friend Dulcie aka Mallu Girl Hair for winning her first Houston slam). Despite being exhausted in that way that makes me wonder if I haven't gone from 26 to 86 over the course of a day, I decided to get sort of jazzed up and hit the town.

I LOVE LEOPARD PRINT! 

In the above picture you can see the outfit that I wore last night (check the awesome thrifted leopard print maxi :-) along with this fantastic oversized necklace I bought recently. I received a few compliments on the necklace. One of those compliments came from a dude - and that conversation went something like this:

Dude: Oh, by the way I really like your necklace!

Me: Thanks! Yea, I got it for like $5 at this random shop on Harwin!

Dude: *awkward silence*

At first I was just excited to bring someone else into the revelry of thriftiness, but awkward silences have a way of giving you time to think through what you've just said. And that was when I realized how important it is to just say "Thank you." I mean men don't care when, where, why, or how you beat some other woman down in the store to buy a necklace. Other women might - well some - but it's just best to accept the compliment and move on. And if someone wants to know where or how much you paid they'll ask.

This is totally not a new concept. I mean I've been told once or twice I don't know how to accept a compliment. Usually this happens when someone tells me an outfit looks nice and I go into a diatribe about my weight and how nothing fits...totally negating the compliment by the end of the exchange. In the past I've done that for a couple of reasons: sometimes to fill the silence, but most times because I never felt good enough, or worthy enough to accept the compliment for what it was. 

But silence is golden and I am worth a little bit of praise; everyone is for something. And that other person is worth the validation a "thank you" bestows on the compliment-er. Like always it's all connected. Ya' got to let that compliment soak into your skin,  keep it simple, and just say "Thank you." 

My Solution to Resolutions

Life just got real. I think this is the most I've ever sweat in my life. #nolie.

Let's talk New Year's resolutions. At this point last year I'd taken a vow against making resolutions. I said it was because I never stick to them, but that was a lie. I shunned making resolutions in 2012 because I was beginning to scrape the bottom of hopelessness and making resolutions means you've got some sort of hope for things to come. Depression was setting in. The struggle was real. Resolutions were just too much.

2013 has already promised to be different. I know I'm not the only one who feels it either...almost every friend or associate I have has said they feel it. There's a buzz in the air that is nearly palpable if you are in the least bit willing to reach your hand out and feel it. I, for one, am reaching out with my arms wide open (under the sunlight...welcome to this place...I'll show you everything...)

This year I've made five resolutions.Each resolutions encompasses some area of growth in mind, body, and spirit. One of those happens to be losing these stubborn pounds that are weighing down my inner Beyonce, hence the sweaty pic above. I used to hate the people who would make this resolution and show up at the gym perpetrating every year. But alas, now I'm one of them. Well, minus the perpetrating part. You see this year, I've got more than just some pipe dreams disguised as resolutions. I've got a plan.

 I decided to also set mini-goals to go with each resolution in order that I might experience some short-term success towards all of them. It also helps me not be discouraged that I haven't morphed into someone different and (more) amazing by now. For example, one of my goals towards weight loss is to track my meals 5/7 days a week. I'm doing awesome at that and I have awesome documentation to refer to in order to hit one of my other goals which is to journal about my "good" and "bad" food days. Another resolution is  to be kinder to myself. Some of goals for that are to journal more (check) and to give myself guilt-free rewards (check).

We've hit that three week mark where most people give up on their resolutions and I'm glad to say I'm still going strong, mostly because I've hit a goal in every resolution. It also helps that I have all of this written down so I can refer to it constantly. And I do remind myself - everyday - of where I'm going this year.  I'm confident with my plan of goal-mapping my resolutions that I'm on my way to awesome improvements this year. Are you?

I've Got a New Mind, Baby!

I have had the most ridiculous of days. Period.

This morning while searching for my water bottle I wandered out to my car in to see if I'd left it there. And this is what I found outside:

That my friends is the space where I parked my beloved Camry last night. And this morning...it was gone. Let me tell you my greatest fear next to someone running into my beauty of a car has been that someone would decide to steal my car. I never had this fear with the Lancer mostly because, well, no one wants to steal a busted hoopty of a 10-year-old car. Saturday I was taking a nap when I heard that little beep my car makes when I hit the keyless entry button. I leapt from my bed and groggily ran downstairs to be sure my ride was still there. Talk about paranoia.

But alas, my car was no stolen. Instead it was towed because for whatever reason I was not issued a parking permit and...sigh...it's just gone for now. 

A few months ago, maybe even last month, this incident would have sent me into a tailspin of tears and self-doubt and a swirl of feelings of incompetence. I used to like to bully myself over stuff like this. I tend to over-think situations, especially ones in which any blame could be placed on my shoulders. And after I've thought the thing to death, I've been known to turn on myself and spew the most hateful insults...at me. 

Today was different. Today, I realized that stuff like this happens and that none of it matters in the grand scheme of this thing we do everyday called life. This is super-good mostly because it is part of one of my New Year's Resolutions (more on that later). 

In about two weeks I won't even remember that I spent this (beautiful) day off of work. On a larger scale, when I'm laying on my deathbed no one will harken back to that day my car got towed from under my nose while I slept. And if it's not worth remembering when that day comes, it's not worth crying over now.

There is just something about being kind to yourself that makes you feel more special than any compliment you could get from anyone else! This may not come as a surprise to some folks, but as a recovering self-hater I am thankful for the peace I've gained from this day and I can't wait to spread it through every other big and small snafu I encounter. The renewal of your mind is an awesome gift folks - take it whenever you can!